Please print all information. This is important. You want to work here. We might want to hire you.
If we can’t read your application, this isn’t going to happen. Thanks. 🙂
A few things before we get started.
- Are you a drug user? Be honest. We’re going to find out eventually anyway since you’re going to be randomly tested if you work here. Save us both some time, and go look for work elsewhere. Maybe at a record store. Or a hemp factory.
- Are you lazy? We sure hope not. We pay our employees to work. Sometimes, it can be hard, as we can get busy, and when we aren’t busy, we’re preparing to get busy again. Crazy, huh? Point is, if we’re paying you, we expect you to work. If this sounds like a problem, move on.
- Do you own a cell phone? Awesome! Me too! Just don’t plan on bringing it to work. If we hire you, feel free to tell ALL your friends and family you work here. That way, if there’s an emergency, they’ll know how to reach you with THEIR phone, since yours is NEVER going to be here.
We have one of those old-timey land lines, and it even works! Your cell phone is neither needed, nor welcome here. Tell all your BFF’s that you’ll TTYL…if you want this J-O-B.
Still with us? Fantastic! Fill the rest out as best you can, and turn it in. Be as descriptive as you can, and give as much detail as possible. We have this wacky habit of calling back the people who seem most qualified first. So, the more info you give us, the better chance you have of getting called back.
Oh, one last thing…once you turn this in, we promise not to lose it. Really. There’s no need to call every other day and ask about your application’s status, or anything like that. We’re organized, and we promise that if something comes up we think you’re qualified for, and you might be a candidate, we’ll call you. Promise. Thanks for applying, we hope to see you soon!